Parents who grew up in abusive environments often have unclear ideas about what boundaries are or how they function. Maybe privacy never existed in their childhood home, or their feelings didn't register as something that mattered. Saying no came with a cost. Now that they're raising children of their own, they're piecing together what's normal from scratch.

Parents who are making deliberate choices to raise their children differently than they were raised often encounter an unexpected difficulty. Each time they provide what their children need, they're confronted with what they themselves didn't receive. Comforting a crying child brings up memories of not being comforted. Apologizing after yelling triggers awareness that apologies never came from their own parents. The act of parenting well can surface grief.

Parents who survived childhood abuse sometimes find that specific ages trigger unexpected reactions. When their child reaches the age they were during particularly difficult periods, the parent may experience heightened anxiety, increased protectiveness, emotional withdrawal, or unexplained anger.

People who grew up in abusive households often struggle when they begin raising their own children. They find themselves using the same tone their parents used, reacting with the same anger, or enforcing the same rigid rules they hated. These moments can be deeply unsettling for parents who are trying to do things differently.