Parents who grew up in abusive environments often have unclear ideas about what boundaries are or how they function. Maybe privacy never existed in their childhood home, or their feelings didn't register as something that mattered. Saying no came with a cost. Now that they're raising children of their own, they're piecing together what's normal from scratch.
A five-year-old repeatedly barges into the bathroom while a parent showers, and the parent feels annoyed but says nothing. Years later, a teenager goes through that same parent's phone without asking, and the parent feels violated but tells themselves it's normal. Is it, though? Should children do either of these things?
What Boundaries Are
Boundaries define what is and is not acceptable in relationships. A person's body belongs to them, their time belongs to them, their belongings belong to them, their feelings belong to them. They decide who has access to these things and when. The same applies to children. Their bodies belong to them, their feelings belong to them, and they need to learn that they can say "no," "stop," and "I don't like that," and that these words have meaning. For parents who didn't learn this in childhood, teaching it now is difficult. How does a parent model boundaries when they're uncertain what healthy ones look like?
What Many Survivor Parents Learned Instead
Some learned that their parents' needs always took priority. They had to be quiet when a parent was tired, cheerful when a parent was stressed, and their own feelings were inconvenient. Others learned that their bodies weren't fully theirs, that hugging relatives wasn't optional, that a knock on the door before entering their room was never guaranteed, that being touched inappropriately meant they weren't allowed to object. Still others absorbed the idea that expressing wants was selfish, that good children don't complain, don't ask for things, and accept whatever they receive with gratitude. These were survival strategies for living in a home where boundaries didn't exist.
How This Affects Parenting
Some parents overcompensate. They give their children everything they want because they received nothing, never say no because they heard no constantly, and allow rule-breaking because they were controlled excessively. Other parents swing toward rigidity. They enforce strict rules because they need control, don't allow their children privacy because they didn't have it, and expect children to manage feelings independently because that's what they had to do. Both responses stem from the same source, parents attempting to determine what's acceptable without having seen it modeled.
What Healthy Boundaries Look Like
Boundaries with children include:
Children cannot hit parents; parents don't hit children
Children cannot speak disrespectfully to parents; parents don't speak that way to children
Children can have privacy (knocking before entering, not reading diaries)
Parents can have privacy (closed bathroom doors, time alone)
Children need to respect parents' belongings; parents respect children's belongings
Children can decline unwanted physical affection
Parents can decline requests that don't work for them
This teaches children that everyone in the family has limits, and that limits are a normal, fair part of family life.
The Guilt Problem
When parents begin setting boundaries, guilt often follows—they feel selfish, mean, or excessively strict. Say no to a pre-dinner snack and the child cries; the parent feels terrible, even though refusing is a standard, reasonable limit. Or a parent, worn out after a long day, tells their child "not right now, I need rest," and disappointment fills the room along with a familiar wave of guilt, even though needing solitude is an act of self-care. The guilt originates from childhood. These parents learned that their needs didn't matter, that disappointing people was unacceptable, that saying no made them bad. Boundaries are a form of honesty about limitations.
Teaching Children About Their Boundaries
This extends beyond the parent setting boundaries; it involves teaching children that they're permitted to have boundaries of their own. When a child doesn't want to hug a relative goodbye, the parent can say "he doesn't have to hug if he doesn't want to," holding firm even if family members object or apply pressure, because the child gets to decline physical touch. Leaving an overwhelming event early is another example: instead of insisting a child "stick it out" or "stop being so sensitive," the parent leaves, letting the child learn to recognize when something doesn't feel acceptable and trust that feeling. Teenagers present their own version of this. A parent who feels excluded and wants complete knowledge of their child's day still doesn't force disclosure, because the teenager is permitted to have private thoughts and feelings. This is challenging when the parent didn't receive this themselves; part of them wants total access to their children's lives because their own parents either didn't care or were intrusive in harmful ways. But healthy boundaries mean children get to have an internal life that's theirs.
When Mistakes Happen
Parents will set boundaries incorrectly sometimes. They'll be excessively rigid or excessively permissive, refuse when they should have agreed, agree when they needed to refuse. When this occurs, adjustment is possible: "I said no earlier but I reconsidered and yes works," or "I said yes but I'm realizing that doesn't work for me. I need to change my response." Children can handle changed decisions; what they struggle with is boundaries that make no sense or parents who never acknowledge being wrong.
Why This Matters
Children who grow up with healthy boundaries learn that their feelings matter, that they can trust their instincts when something feels wrong, that they can say no and be heard. They also learn that other people have limits, that they need to respect when someone says no, that their parents are human with needs. Parents are teaching something they had to learn as adults. Boundaries are how relationships function.
Starting Small
Parents can start with one boundary that matters to them, perhaps "I don't respond to questions while in the bathroom," perhaps "we don't call each other names," perhaps "I need 15 minutes alone when I arrive home from work." State it clearly, enforce it consistently, notice when guilt arises and remember why it matters. Boundaries become easier with practice. The first time saying "I need space right now" feels difficult, the tenth time feels normal, the hundredth time feels natural. Parents are setting boundaries for themselves while also demonstrating what respecting oneself and others looks like, teaching their children something that may prevent significant pain later. That makes the discomfort of learning worthwhile.
Getting Support
Sometimes parenting can trigger unresolved issues that become overwhelming. Seeking professional help is an important step toward becoming the person you and your child deserve. I offer a group intensive program to help parents work through these patterns in a focused, supportive setting: https://www.lemastercounselingservices.org/the-parenting-intensive. I also provide individual therapy in New Orleans, and telehealth therapy throughout the states of Louisiana and South Carolina.