The Patriarchy Hurts Men Too: Examining ‘The Man Box’
This content is for informational purposes only and isn't intended to serve as professional therapeutic advice or create a personal therapeutic relationship. If you're struggling with trauma, I encourage you to seek help from a qualified mental health professional who meets your unique needs - because the right therapist for you is out there.
Let's talk about something that might sound surprising coming from a therapist who specializes in helping men: the very system that's supposed to benefit men is actually hurting them.
The Contradiction of Male Privilege
Yes, men have advantages in our society. They hold most positions of power, make more money on average, and face fewer barriers in many areas of life. I'm not here to deny that reality. But the same system that gives men these advantages also creates a set of impossible expectations that can be devastating when life doesn't go according to plan.
The Man Box
Researchers call it "the man box" - the rigid set of rules our culture teaches boys about what it means to be a "real man." These aren't official rules; they're absorbed messages passed down through generations:
"Real men don't cry."
"Handle your own problems."
"Be the provider."
"Be the protector."
"Don't be weak."
"Don't ask for help."
"Man up."
Maybe you heard these exact phrases growing up, or maybe you got the message in more subtle ways. Maybe it was seeing your father never talk about his struggles. Maybe it was being teased at school for showing emotion. Maybe it was getting the message that your worth as a man was tied to how much you could handle on your own. Some of these qualities aren't inherently bad. Being strong and responsible can be positive traits. The problem is when they become rigid rules that don't allow for the full range of human experience.
The Double Trauma Effect
When I work with men who've experienced trauma, I often see a double trauma effect: there's the original traumatic experience, and then there's the trauma of feeling like you're failing as a man because you're having a normal human response. A man who learned that "real men don't show fear" might interpret his anxiety after a car accident as personal failure rather than a normal trauma response. A man who was taught that "boys don't cry" might view his grief after losing a child as weakness instead of love. The man box doesn't only hurt men when they're struggling, it also prevents them from getting the help they need to stop struggling.
The Systemic Nature
This isn't just about individual men making bad choices. This is about a system - what researchers call patriarchy - that sets up these rules in the first place. Patriarchy isn't just "men having power." It's a whole system of beliefs about gender that hurts everyone, including men. It says that masculine traits are superior to feminine ones, which sounds good for men until you realize it also means showing any "feminine" traits - like vulnerability, emotional expression, or asking for help - gets punished. Women get hurt because they're seen as inherently less capable. Men get hurt because they're not allowed to be fully human - they're not allowed to have the full range of human emotions and experiences.
The Connection to Mental Health
This is why male suicide rates are so high. This is why men are less likely to seek therapy. This is why substance abuse rates are higher among men. It's not because men are naturally more self-destructive - it's because they've been taught that the healthy ways of dealing with pain and struggle are "unmanly." Think about it: what does our culture tell men to do when they're in pain? I listed them earlier in the post. Things like "Tough it out." "Walk it off." "Have a drink." "Don't think about it." "Keep busy." "Man up." What does our culture tell women to do when they're in pain? "Talk to someone." "Get support." "Take care of yourself." "It's okay to cry." "Ask for help." Which set of messages do you think leads to better mental health outcomes?
Breaking Out of the Box
The good news is you can choose which parts of traditional masculinity serve you and which parts don't.
Wanting to be strong? Great. But real strength includes the ability to be vulnerable when vulnerability serves a purpose.
Wanting to be a protector? Wonderful. But the best way to protect your family is to take care of your own mental health so you can be present for them.
Wanting to be a problem-solver? Excellent. But recognizing when you need additional resources or expertise is part of effective problem-solving.
You don't have to throw out everything about traditional masculinity to heal from trauma. But you might need to expand your definition of what it means to be a man to include things like emotional intelligence, seeking support when needed, and taking care of your mental health.
What This Means for Healing
Understanding the man box is important for trauma recovery because it helps explain why seeking help can feel so threatening. It's not just about getting better, it's about challenging a fundamental part of how you were taught to see yourself. The truth is, the most masculine thing you can do is whatever it takes to be the man you want to be for the people who matter to you. If that means therapy, if that means medication, if that means admitting you're struggling - then that's what real strength looks like.
The man box wants you to believe that asking for help makes you weak. But I see men every day who are proving that wrong. They're husbands who go to therapy so they can be better partners. They're fathers who address their trauma so they don't pass it on to their kids. They're men who refuse to let shame and outdated ideas about masculinity keep them from living full, healthy lives.
A Different Vision of Masculinity
I want to leave you with a different vision of masculinity - one that includes all the things that might have been valuable about traditional male roles, but doesn't exclude the things you need to be fully human.
In this vision:
Strength includes feeling emotions without being overwhelmed by them
Protection includes protecting your own wellbeing
Problem-solving includes knowing when to get help
Leadership includes being vulnerable enough to connect with others
This isn't about becoming less of a man - it's about becoming more fully human.
Moving Forward
You don't have to accept the limitations that the man box puts on you. You can define masculinity in ways that actually support your wellbeing and the wellbeing of those you care about. Breaking out of the man box isn't easy - it means going against messages you've probably been hearing your entire life. But it's possible, and it's worth it. The system that tells men they have to be strong, silent, and self-reliant isn't serving men well. It's keeping them from getting the help they need, from forming deep connections, and from living authentic, fulfilling lives.
Seeking help isn't giving up on being a man - it's choosing to become the man you really want to be.
I'm Lisa LeMaster, and I provide telehealth counseling services throughout the State of Louisiana and South Carolina.
Remember that this content is for informational purposes only and doesn't replace professional therapeutic care. If you're struggling, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional in your area who can provide the personalized support you deserve.